Our dear friend Emily and her absolutely sugary Mom came over one day, months ago, to save me from myself. Emily's Mother, a veritable Yoda for mothers of toddlers, sat down with me for upwards of an hour. I talked and she listened patiently. Then I asked questions and she answered patiently. Then I cried and she comforted me patiently. Are you getting the drift? This woman is patient.
I told her that I was outside with the children one day, sitting in a chair, and was yelling across the yard at all of them. Yelling, yelling, yelling. I told her I couldn't believe that the voice was mine. I had kind of an out-of-body experience. I was watching myself turn into that mother that couldn't walk across the yard and take care of the situation in an adult manner. Inside the house, it was the same thing. Walking up the stairs to solve the mystery of the screaming one-year-old was too painful. I would just yell up the stairs and ask why the baby was crying, who did it and did they want to be grounded for the rest of their lives? I was running on "E".
Emily's Mom, she smiled. She sympathized. She understood that I really DID want to try. I was just so tired and fresh out of ideas.
She handed me three books that changed my life.
There was one book, in particular, that touched my heart. All three spoke of positive reinforcement, but this one offered suggestions, diagrams and printables for people like me! (read: not at all energetic enough to do anything more than say, "Wow! What a great idea!)
Best Idea Ever:
"Caught 'Ya Being Good!"
I recognize when my children misbehave, but struggle to encourage them when they have done something good. After reading these books, I started paying closer attention. The first couple of times I told Sarah that I liked the way she did her school without complaining...it felt completely unnatural. I was in a bad place. I needed to try harder. I saw Joseph playing trains with Nathan, sharing his very favorite engine and speaking so kindly. I recognized it, went over to him, and told him how proud I was of the decision he was making. It was getting easier. Thomas went to the bathroom that day without pumping the soap out of the dispenser onto all of our toothbrushes. I shared with him how this helped the family tremendously! So much easier. The compliments were coming out of my mouth! I was focusing on good things and my children were responding by finding more helpful things to do.
When we catch the children being good, they get a popcorn kernel to put in a jar that sits on our dining room table. When the jar is full of good decisions and good deeds, we have a popcorn party/movie/sleepover night.
Well, they did it! Last week, Joseph put the last kernel in the jar. That night we rented a movie and had a sleepover in the living room. But nothing was more exciting than watching Daddy empty their jar full of all the good things they had done into the hot air popper and having it turn into a treat!
It is not always easy. I don't always get it right. Sometimes I fall back into my old state of shouting commands from another room and being downright miserable. But this new habit of recognizing the good things has been such an amazing tool for all of us. Matt is quick to hand out kernels and the children are eager to fill up their second jar. In the midst of all this chaos, there is so much joy and kindness. I am so grateful for the people who have helped me recognize it and appreciate it.